selfish desires

sincesheleft:

The art of letting go is a hard one to master.  It doesn’t come naturally my way.  It flies in my brain, spinning round ever faster, and clings to my arm, begs to stay.  But its pleas and its cries I now recognize as lies as I pull ever firmly away.  For ahead through these woods waits for me something good, or so I conceive as I pray.

submitted by yellowbricks. 

I’ve felt great these past days. I am so glad that the trip made tension go away and it reduced a lot of the stress I had been carrying with me these past months. I felt such a huge release being away from the city and from family and everyone that can judge me. The wilderness is marvelous, especially at this time of the year when people are either the most joyful or most depressed due to the holidays. The snow and the fresh air and being able to roam carefree and without technology was absolutely beautiful. Native American reservoirs and visiting small antique towns was incredible. I hope to go back to Tuolemne around the same time next year. I am feeling the happiest and the mist satisfies I have in the longest time. I feel free.

I’m going to marry a writer. His words will take me places I have never been. To a world where the only truth will be the words he writes. Vivid and with such power to paint vivid images in my head. He will write of love and describe it using two words and to say I love you he will need a paragraph full of similes and figurative language. I will marry a writer and will sit and read pages upon pages of journals;’escaping into the world he has created for the two of us. And there won’t be a need for an ending because there will always be another book.

i’ve been trying to find a balance these past months, and i started to think that after this hectic semester a nice break would be nice. i keep telling myself this is a test, a test test test. but for what? i dont even know myself. i suppose i’m trying to find a center, an underlying solution to problems out of my reach. i’m trying to remain hopeful because somewhere along the way someone told me that with hope we can pull through. so i have been trying to believe in something in order to find peace to sleep at night. perhaps, i’m just as incredulous as any athiest would be, or simply trying to find someone to point a finger at, someone to take the blame when life kicks me in the ass. i owe $900+ in medical bills, my entire tuition, and i have no car anymore. i barely make enough to live by day to day, and i keep telling myself that things get better, that there will be a miracle soon. shit. i don’t even know when is the last time i r actually bought that lie. the only time i prayed for a miracle there was only one thing: reality. the reality was that i lost a person i cared for and nothing would pick her up from that hosipital bed. she passed away, and i’m not saying i balme god for it, because i don’t even know where i’m standing anymore. what i am saying is that if god is out there listening, help me out man. i have an incredible debt to pay which is increasing daily, no medical insurance, and very little patience now. the only reality here is that if i don’t do something soon i’m going to have to quit college after this year. so, if anyone has an etxra million dollars feel free to hand them over to this girl.